Depression caused to an Alzheimer's Caregiver

My mum, who was once a very patient mother with us was showing her outburst to my dad recently. The last time when she was so hot tempered I can recall was when I was a notorious kid. I was so surprised at her behavior to my dad, Frankie, I have once confessed to her, telling her that I don't agree with the way she interact with my dad now, we have to accept the fact that he's got this incurable.


She replies me calmly "Son, you don't understand, because you just visit him once for a while. So you can't feel the dreadful pressure of dealing with him." And she continued with the problem that she routinely faces with, I know she felt consoled when they are someone listening to her and understand her. 


And then she said "I know sometimes I am to harsh to him, but what can I do, I am also a human being, I also have emotion, and everything rests on my shoulders" from her tone, I could sense that she was afflicted with a conscience.


She is a Buddhist, a vegetarian, and she chants every day. She always instills some good qualities to us. I know that she is aware of how is she supposed  behave but why she can't control her emotion over Frankie, my dad. 


Now I realized that there are two reasons:

• First, it is a cause that I felt guilty about myself, that is all the responsibilities of taking care of my dad are all lied on her shoulders. She can't take it all by herself, they should be shared among all of us. But the reality is my two elder sisters have jobs to do, my eldest sister, SY has to work until 8 or 9 pm. And me, I am still an undergraduate who is pursuing my degree in the other state. As a result the duty of caregiver rests on her. The duty has to be spread out among us, and someone is needed to take the initiative, I will take the initiative, and I will travel back more often to take charge of the weekends. The responsibilities might not be fairly or evenly shared, but as a family member, we must try our best to give her, the caregiver support.

• I think her depression is triggered off partly because of her mindset. Frankie is only 60 now, and she feels so unlucky, because she thinks that it is to young for him to have Alzheimer, she is an ambitious lady, for her 60 should be a golden age. Therefore she is giving herself and Frankie too much pressure, hoping that he would recover which is impossible and blossom again in his live and even in his career. Frankie was a very capable type of father, and he was good at roads last time. I have ever told her, these were all past, his capabilities will only exist in our mind as memory. I must help her to let it be so that she can accept the fact better and find the best solution to aid him in the rest of his live, as he has contributed a lots to us in his younger time. She knows and understands, but she just feels that too early to happen on him. 

However worse his memory is deteriorating, I am so glad that his overall health is OK. And I have seen this matter differently, now I think that in some way is it actually good, now my bonds with my father is getting closer because of Alzheimer's he becomes more dependent and his superego is weaker now, the invisible screen between us is unveiled.